I've been sick for the last week, and I spent about 4 days in bed. I finished an Agatha Christie, two Helen McInnes' and a HUGE P.D. James. Apparently, when I'm ill, I need British female mystery writers. Who knew?
I also spent quite a bit of time thinking, mostly in the hyper-dramatic way typical of exhausted Annie. Most of those thoughts are not worthy of repetition (at least not until my next breakdown), but two "leitmotifs" made themselves...motifs...in my thoughts.
My mental symphony--heavy on tinny brass and banging percussion--mostly swirled around the direction my life is (or isn't) taking. My 28th birthday is approaching and I'm really not taking it well. Those of you who passed this milestone awhile ago, please keep comments to yourselves. I'm serious. Somehow, back in the last century, I thought that by the time 2006 rolled around, I'd be a settled adult in full knowledge of where I'd be in next few years-silly me! But the truth is, I have no idea what happens in my life after March 31st, 2007 and the uncertainty is haunting me. My 10-year pattern of change has worn me thin.
I just finished reading Jen's blog, and she wrote a beautiful piece about the changes her extended family is grieving through. She reminded me that no one knows where they'll be in 2007. Or IF they'll be in 2007. My life's precariousness may be more obvious than other people's, but not more severe.
Through the last week, as I tried to seize the day (very hard to do while sniffling and popping headache medicine), God kept bringing me two repeating thoughts, those previously mentioned leitmotifs to my symphony of worry. First, the ever-present Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you... And also, a simple question, "Have I disappointed you yet?"
Well, no. God has not disappointed me. He has over-abundantly fulfilled my dreams for education, travel, living abroad, living in a different region of the US than the one I grew up in. He has brought my black and white dreams into Technicolor. I have landed in OZ.
And yet, I still torment myself with fears that he won't be faithful to my current dreams, that God's blessings are all in my past, that the future is drab.
Oh me of little faith. When will I hope?
10 years ago
1 comment:
Oh my dearest Annie -
I can feel your heart in this post, and should probably just email you this rather than post it for the world to read, but... just know, know, know that I understand. I woke up the morning of my 28th birthday thinking, "how many more years will I wake up in this bed alone!" That's some brutal honesty right there, I'll tell you. But I quickly pulled myself back from the brink thinking, "no, I will NOT begin this day this way." Instead I laid there and made a very conscious effort to thank God for everything He has blessed me with, rather than focusing on what I don't have. This is basic, but so hard. I love you for your honesty, and I feel so much the same right now. The weekend in MN has done nothing but make my heart ache with the feeling that nothing is ever the same, people change, and I am ever more displaced.
Psalm 86 is a source of hope. And Psalm 84:10 - 11. "The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withold from those whose walk is blameless."
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