the God who workest wonders

I’m back from an incredible trip to North Africa. I laughed for 12 days straight and I’m still catching my breath. Not only were my travel-mates ridiculously entertaining, but the nationals were the most warm and kind people I have ever met. Their welcome and helpfulness was overwhelming. Go to North Africa, and you’ll feel loved. I did. However, (you knew that was coming, right?) I am back. And the panic is setting in.

Once upon a time my life was coming together in a way that felt too good to be true. I’ve been reading through my journals from those days, and I came across this: “[my life] feels like the greatest gift I could ever be given--the most extravagant ‘luck,’ the most reckless grace. Jesus--I know you are extravagant and seem reckless, I just never thought you could be this extravagant to me.”

Then it all fell apart and I was left with nothing.

After that, God brought me to San Clemente, where he gave me back more than I had lost. Those were some of the best years of my life.

In what I am finding is a standard cycle, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I find myself where I was all those years ago when I went from everything to nothing in a few short weeks. Only...not quite. Because I have a community of people in Southern California who love me and who want me to move back into the fold.

Frankly, I’m terrified of the future. I’m slowly spinning in circles, standing in the center of a hedge-maze, not knowing which path will take me out, and wondering if I should just take another nap.

My faith in God’s extravagance, in his desire to fulfill our hearts’ desires, was dreadfully wounded years ago, and it never really came back. I’m afraid to hope, for nothing has been as painful in my life as hope destroyed.

There are a few of you out there telling me to suck it up and forge ahead (I can hear your voices in my mind), and eventually I will. Thank you for holding my hand and pushing me forward as I wander aimlessly. This may not seem like much of a life catastrophe to y’all, but I am so thankful for each of you from inside my tangle.

God speaks to us in the strangest ways. Yesterday, on the plane, I chose a crossword puzzle at random, and every clue was a Bible verse. It was like God was saying, “Honey, if you won’t open my book enough, I’m going to stick it under your nose every time you turn around.” One of the clues involved Psalm 77:11-14.

I shall remember the deeds of the Lord;
Surely I will remember Thy wonders of old.
I will meditate on all Thy work,
And muse on Thy deeds.
Thy way, O God, is holy;
What god is great like our God?
Thou are the God who workest wonders;
Thou has made known Thy strength among the peoples.