I started going to bridal showers and bachelorette parties when I was 19 or so. Back then, the guests were primarily single and the parties were fairly tame. A couple pieces of risque lingerie would show up in the gift pile, and everyone would giggle, but it was an afternoon or evening of good clean fun.
Fast forward 10 years, and the story has changed. Now that most of my friends are married, bridal showers and bachelorette parties have gotten raunchy. It's the only word for it. Some of the sex-talk is healthy and appropriate and needed. Some of it is gratuitous and clinical and graphic. I know far too much about some of my male friends because of what their wives have shared at bridal showers. Those are not images I need in my head the next time I chat with him over doughnuts at church.
More than that, these stories are not healthy for me as a single 29-year-old woman. They lead me to think too much about sex, and to brood over the fact that I am still sleeping alone. Purity is a difficult enough goal without listening to detailed sex stories.
But, these events are not about me, and I can understand how these same stories are good for the bride-to-be (I'm not convinced, but I'm willing to concede the point). So, I'm not sure what to do. Currently, when conversation turns that direction, I find chores to do in another room or decide that I need to spend a long time re-doing my make-up in the bathroom.
I honestly don't have an answer. I'm a naturally reserved person, but I think this issue goes beyond that (especially since I know several single peers who agree with me). I don't know where the line lies between preparing a virgin bride for her honeymoon, and over-sharing details that shouldn't leave the marriage bed.
I'm at the point of not attending these events, because it is so hard to keep a smiley face on throughout the event. I am genuinely happy for my marrying friends, but driving home alone afterwards breaks my heart. I don't know how to protect my heart and mind, while still celebrating my friends' marriages.
Any wisdom out there?
9 years ago
5 comments:
Other that self-righteous venting that leads to self-righteous blog posting, I have no real method of dealing with all this.
I'm realizing, however, that my inability to "deal" with bachelorette parties has a long history, beginning with one of my sister's, after which I spent a good hour crying on the phone to my best friend.... whose own bachelorette party reduced me to tears yesterday.
What to do...
You and I have a real talent for self-righteous venting (for which I feel no guilt), but I was doing my best to be non-self-righteous here. 'Cause these parties AREN'T about me, and they shouldn't be. They are about the bride. I'm just trying to figure out how to celebrate with her without hearing things that aren't good for me. 'Cause I don't think I should be listening to what's being said (for several reasons) but I don't want to make a fuss about it. Maybe I'm (we're) already doing all I (we) can do, and I should just leave it at that? I just wish I didn't leave these shabangs feeling so ... out in the cold.
Annie, I really appreciate your honesty in this post and I respect your feelings completely. It really has gotten raunchy - I believe we can thank Sex & the City and all the other "let's talk openly about graphic sex" tv shows. The more that stuff is around us, the more acceptable it becomes, even for people who want to stay "pure" in heart.
I'm married, but if I was at one of those showers or b-ette parties, I'd feel just as uncomfortable. Heck, I usually tried to avoid going to lingerie parties because I didn't really know how to SHOP for a gift for one! When my matron of honor was prepping my bridal shower, I begged her to keep it as tasteful as possible and to not do anything embarrassing. Thankfully she respected that, but I felt a little prudish. Oh well! It was my party.
Sex and talking about it should be taken more seriously and with more care for others' feelings. In my humble opinion. I find that I am still sensitive about it, even now, and get a little resentful when other girls/women discuss it so frankly.
JMO.
You absolutely did not come off as self-righteous. Painfully honest is more like it.
For me I did not have as much of a problem with my friends being explicit as my FAMILY. There are alot of us so when sisters and s-i-l's get together it could get pretty graffic. They were each married by the age of 21 and had NO idea what I was going through. I don't think they would have even understood it if I would have tried to explain.
I probably reacted in not a very mature way...I avoided family gatherings. At the time it was the only way I knew how to deal with it emotionally
It is absolutely inappropriate and thoughtless IMO to talk like that in a group setting especially with single people present. I think you have have ever right to be offended and even disgusted. What happens in the marriage bed is precious and holy and not to be degraded to Favio/Flavio/whatever-his-name is smut. Okay, getting angry now, better stop.
I appreciate your sensitivity, Annie, to this topic and applaud you for being big-hearted enough to TRY and celebrate with your friends rather than give them a piece of your mind. You are truly a good friend. Debbie P.
Hi again -
Just to clarify (in case it didn't come across in my comment) - I didn't mean at all to imply that YOU were sounding self-righteous, but rather was referencing my own feelings of that in relation to this area! I find that so often I get myself to a place of feeling that I am in the right and everyone else is wrong in their behaviour. But, as you said, these events are not about me, but about celebrating with the bride.
Sigh. Thanks for posting on this, since it comes so directly out of my experiences these last weeks of wedding-mania.
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