Calling All Friends...

I found myself surfing the internet tonight, trying to locate people from "the old days." I didn't find much. A few grainy old photos where the person in question is half-hidden, a few myspace pages. But very little with the scent I'm following. That community has shattered and disappeared. What happened to the bonds between the people? Did love--like a dusty spiderweb--shrivel and disintegrate?

Life in that community was hard. I also remember some really sweet moments. I'd like to find those instances and hit "pause": stay there for as long as I needed, until I soaked up enough love to quench my thirst.

I lost something between then and now. I lost my faith in people, and in the future. I learned that some people won't like me no matter what. I realized that the holes in my heart will stay unfilled until heaven...and those holes make me wary, even of paradise.

Tonight, my wary heart went searching for whispers of times past. Times when I knew I was loved by dear friends stronger and taller than me, who would hug me and make me feel safe and cared for. Friends who watched out for me. I miss those friends. I know there are (different) arms waiting to catch me these days, but I don't remember how to fling myself into embraces. At some point, I forgot how to love with abandon.

OK--here's where I get regretably honest (which I blame on "Jen in Lithuania"...she makes me ashamed to beat around the bush instead of getting vulnerable). There is one major difference between the friends of "back then" and the friends of "now." It has to do with a Y chromosome. Back then I had a pack of young men who took care of me (sometimes too well--hence my poor dating record at the time. They scared off most of my potential dates). They taught me to drive responsibly, stayed by my side in potentially dangerous situations, gently corrected me when I got shrill, or nagging, or coarse. It went both ways. I stood between them and the skanks. I told them what flowers to get their dates (never carnations! never EVER carnations!). I pinched them (hard!) when they cursed. I answered lots of questions beginning with, "Why do girls always ...?"

Those boys loved me. They took care of me. They put up with me. They protected me--often against myself. They respected me and forced me to respect myself. Through their counsel and care, I learned not to put up with scuzzy men. They scared off all my potential dates who didn't have the highest levels of integrity and compassion--and therefore taught me to be just as exacting. They also showed me what men are "really like," and taught me how to communicate without conveying judgement or guilt. And, most miraculously of all, they taught be how to separate a man-child from his video game without inciting the Third World War.

I AM OVERWHELMINGLY THANKFUL FOR MY CURRENT FRIENDS. You all bless me every day and I hope I tell you often enough how important you are to me. I literally would not be alive without the friends who surround me. I have two wonderfully loving brothers for whom I am ever thankful. They are more faithful than any other friend. Yet, my fantabulous female friends and my stupendous brothers can't quite fill the heartache I have for the love I felt from those young men. They were boys, really. I miss them. I miss them alot. I miss the way they loved me.

So, here's to old friends, of both sexes! I need you all. To quote a silly pop song that always makes me heartsick (but in a kinda delicious way):

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down ...
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend. I don’t want to be alone.
I’m calling all friends.

Takin' my time and trying to be what I wanted
Takin' my chances when they came on the way
Takin' their toll and nobody knows how I’m haunted
Things that I’ve done--there isn’t a price I can pay

I have been broken. I’ve been low.
You want to disappear and no one needs to know.
I’ve been there, I’ve been where no one seems to care.

I'm calling all friends...