A couple weeks ago I found myself at a club in the city with my brother and his girlfriend, and my friend Beth and her husband Steve. It took me a ridiculous amount of time to realize that I was a fifth wheel. I didn’t feel awkward. I had a friendship with all four of them (although of varying closeness) and I was happy to talk to any of them. And, in true introvert spirit, I was very happy with my own thoughts when I was left alone.
How weird am I?
At this age, the huge majority of my friends are married, and we singles are dwindling in number everyday. In most cases, this is good news. But, it does cut into the number of friends available for spontaneous movie-watching and weekend road trips. As a result, I find myself spending more and more time with people outside of my peer group, which is pretty cool, too. Last weekend I heard stories about growing up during WWII, and yesterday I got a teenage perspective on the book He’s Just Not That Into You. It was deep.
I love my life, but I’m starting to worry about me.
Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read “I really like me.” If it didn’t sound so pretentious, I’d get one just like it. I enjoy spending time alone, and I like that I have friends from a variety of generations. I like most of the decisions I’ve made in my life, and I like the freedom I feel to live the way I want to. However, when I spend time with my baby brother and his friends, or the teenagers in my life, I start to feel like an auntie. I like talking about the trials of junior high, and the 12 cute boys Miss X has simultaneous crushes on at her high school. However, I don't like feeling like an auntie.
Even when I’m spending time with people in my age group (at my new church for example) I feel ...older? outside? different? I’ve lived a ridiculous life, and I’ve studied and experienced things that most of my peers haven’t.
My friend Robert once said to me, “You’ve adventured yourself out of the dating pool.” (And this from a guy who has flown into jungle airstrips during civil wars and narrowly missed death on a variety of occasions. All before he was 26. Oh, and he fries up a mean camel steak.)
I love being home. I love living in a place where I run into people from my distant past. I love the years of my personal history that’re spun throughout this valley. This is exactly where I want to be, and where I need to be.
I don’t want to live in a different county, let alone a different country. I’ve had my fill of adventure. But, I think it’s a good thing that I’m comfortable with my fifth-wheel status. ‘Cause I think Robert may be right...
9 years ago
9 comments:
you may feel as though you've "adventured yourself out of the dating pool" and you may be right... but there are men out there in the exact same place as you (figuratively, and hopefully literally too). i know it sounds lame but this quote from an episode of felicity really stuck with me: "don't squander an opportunity to make yourself a more interesting person in order to keep a boyfriend and remain unchanged" or something like that. (that's right, felicity. no judging allowed.)
anyway, you are one of the most interesting people i've been associated with. and the typical dating pool isn't always what it's cracked up to be anyway. me thinks there's a different dating pool with those far more interesting folks, those who've led ridiculous lives so far.
Thanks. I needed that.
And no shame about Felicity. I'm currently working through an Angel obsession. (Shh! Don't tell anyone.) And, I totally agree with Felicity (or whoever said it). Limiting yourself for the sake of what you think someone else probably wants is lame.
By the way, I remember meeting you, but I can't think of when that would have been. Am I having hallucinations? I stopped by ESI training in 2001 when you would have been a trainee...did you and Dave hit it off that quickly? Did I stop by again in 2002? Maybe I stopped by twice and I'm combining the visits in my head.
Well, I remember thinking you were fantastic, so even if it's a hallucination, it's right on. :)
Thanks! :) I think it was '02, a year after Dave & I started dating. You stopped in while we were having lunch. It was quick. (I was working on #4 of my 5 items.)
I was thinking about that bumper sticker, and I like it. It's optimistic rather than self-absorbed, like the person is looking at themselves soberly instead of narcissistically. On the other hand, I saw a t-shirt someone was wearing on tv today that said "I [heart] Me". Not feelin' that one at all.
The conclusion to be drawn from this? I watch a jokin' TON of television. Lord have mercy! :)
Can I just ditto everything Dawn said? (:
Soooo remember those days. FINALLY getting married at 30(according to ALL the 50 relatives who were married by 21). It's tough living out of the "norm".
Have you gone to any weddings yet of kids you baby-sat? Done that and spent the whole ceremony trying not to eat the program.
Anyway, you're fabulous Miss Annie. Don't change notin' fur nobody. Debbie P.
Can I just please link to this? I'm about to go home to a Christmas where I'm going to be a very conspicuous 9th wheel (that is, to the married sibs and family) - but I don't think I'm dealing with it nearly as well as you sound you are. Maybe it has something to do with being in this ridculously dark and cold country, living alone and working too too much! I look forward to the day I can say again "This is exactly where I want to be and where I need to be." Right now I have no idea where or WHO that is.
Miss you. Thanks for the honesty.
Jen--
You can absolutely link to this if you'd like. Although I meant every word I wrote when I wrote it, I did have a bit of a melt down later in the day. It was one of those days when I got a string of "I'm dating THE ONE!" and "I'm pregnant!" messages which are fine on their own but unfair when they bunch up.
And really, for me it's usually not a pity party about being single, it's usually about losing a social network. (usually, not always)
Deb--No, I haven't been to a wedding of a kid I've babysat, but only because I was out of the country. :) Eating the program feels like a mild reaction. Even so, I'm glad you resisted. :)
Dawn-- I love TV. I love TV very much. I love DVR recording even more, because that's how I watch Angel (which the DVR records between 2 and 4 am every morning).
Yeah, the hard part really is the loss of social network and support. 'Cause even no matter how much they say they still understand, I find it hard to hear as much comfort from engaged/married friends as I do from those still in the single boat. :)
I realize I'm jumping on this CRAZY late, but it was really good for me to read. Thanks, ladies!
Betsy
It's a little ESI Hungarian reunion! Happy Day!
--Annie
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